Didn't mean to

Today is the last day for my first semester at SFU and im just finishing up the final copy of my FAL research paper. whilst taking a break, i randomly looked at my past conversations in my inbox on facebook and begin deleting conversations with people im sure i wont talk to again. i was fine until i stumbled upon old conversations from W and at that moment, it felt like i was hit with a trainwreck of mixed emotions. i had meant to delete them but i couldnt bring myself to before, like how i cant bring myself to do it now. i know i should but there is just something about it. i didnt mean to keep it till now, and i didnt mean to reread it. i also didnt mean to get her in trouble 2 years ago (actually, pretty much exactly 2 years ago), but it still happened. is it weird to remember exactly how i felt at that time? "the mushy-est feeling ever"? i remember the tron movie day as if it was yesterday. i remember the littlest details about that day. everytime i smell coconuts now, i remember that day. do i love the smell of coconuts because they remind me of that day, or do i hate coconuts for the same reason? is that weird?

 so of course after reading the conversation, i remembered the emails in my hotmail so i went there to see if i still had them and not surprised, there they were. all in a row in my hotmail. the trainwreck of emotions continued as i read each email word by word. all the while, my head painting pictures of what i was doing the exact moment when i was reading/writing the emails. i remember exactly how i felt when i received the emails and exactly how i felt reading them. is that normal? to be able to remember everything so vividly? i dont know. i havent asked or told anyone. thats why im here. im not sure if anyone understands. should i keep the emails? should i keep the conversation on facebook? all it is doing is keeping that part of me in the past alive. would i feel much better knowing that i will never accidentally stumble across those words again? or would i feel worse, knowing that i'll never get those back, and never be able to read the words again. i must be over thinking. it is getting late and my brain must not be functioning logically at all. i just needed to rant and as there are, at this time, no appropriate outlets, this blog gets it.